Noise annoys, y’know – just ask my recently acquired upstairs neighbours. Any time my lounge stereo breaches the ‘wasp fart’ barrier – better known to you and I as a pitiful level of noise used only by frail grannies when The Archers is on – the stamping begins. Clump clump clump. To add insult to injury, I can then detect some horrible AOR toss seeping through the floorboards; I’m sure it was the Godforsaken Thrills a while back. It drives me crazy. It’s time for action. It’s time for some really horrible noise.

Since I don’t have the BBC Sound Department’s Roadworks and Other Street-Level Noises compilation, this’ll have to do. Hey Colossus may have a vaguely tongue-in-cheek name (indeed, consult their members over its origins and a different answer will come from each), but it fits: this is colossal stuff. ‘Ghost Ship’ fills their side of this split, a solitary six-minute (near enough) blast of bowel-crushing, doom-laden metal. It should get them upstairs stamping all right.

The Phil Collins 3 are about as bonkers as their name implies; thus, it suits just as well. ‘Fartbeat’ is a brief dalliance with Mr Bungle-like nonsense, while the following ‘Greenfly Ate My Dog’ yammers and spits like the mentalist from the Police Academy series (forever remembered by this writer as the unfortunate guy fired by Bill Murray in Scrooged, only to re-emerge later in the film with a shotgun - "Hello Wabbit!"), with a musical accompaniment straight out of Mike Patton’s cheesy dreams. A third song, ‘Jeff’s Grapes’, finishes their side off nicely.

Did I say ‘nicely’? I meant horribly. It’s all ergh and RAAAAR and grrrummmppph and AAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE and anything else that’ll rattle their socks.

Come into my house and make like you own the place? Go move to Bournemouth to die with the other golden oldies.

And it's been far too long since we had anything from Victory Garden (home of the mighty Southall Riot, Trencher and first hideaway of new darlings of the sparkly set Hot Chip) with which to worry our hi-fi speakers with, but lo and behold like the London Bus system you wait around for ages and several come at once, so to then do the VG boys who in their infinite wisdom have realised their prolonged inactivity and decided to make amends with this towering split release.

And before we proceed - do not, I say, do not be worried about Brighton's Phil Collins 3 it's only a name not some kind of apocalyptic joining together of some evil unholy trinity featuring old baked bean boy, nah Buster is happily away somewhere far far away from a recording studio proving to the world at large that there is a God after all although Busted and the like give you pause to consider otherwise.

Where were we? Hey Colossus and the Phil Collins 3, top stuff. The former kick in with the blood curdling 'Ghost Ship', down and dirty riffs aplenty that ultimately rumble ominously with abject menace. This London based quintet have already featured on releases for Johnson Family so you know instantly this is going to be shit kicking stuff of the highest order, think swamp blues as though dredged by a mean sounding Mudhoney but with Shellac pretensions lurking in the shadows. Killer stuff.

Flipside features the debut outing for Brighton's the Phil Collins 3, and guess what they serve up three tracks. Welcome to the lunatic fringe not quite to Cravats proportions but you get the sense that records by the Scars and the Cardiacs can't be too far away from the their collective hi-fi's, in particular the rampant frenz of 'Greenfly ate my dog' is cut with the same stuff as to give many a would be listener nightmares for weeks. Elsewhere the dislocated 'Jeff's Grapes' will in a perfect world ensure that dance floors up and down the nation will be laid to waste, a riotous carnage of ill fitting rhythms and stop start key changes - which to us is well, perfect. 'Fartbeat' probably the most together cut here offers hope (or concern depending on your viewpoint) that this lot may indeed live and breath the same air as me and you.

Essential, especially if you have tiresome neighbours. Also comes equipped with a neat looking Chris Phillips art tag as if you needed any further encouragement. [Mark Barton]